Oh, no. No, no no no no. Nah, bro. Argentina got dudes tearing their buttholes on the pitch. You know how hard that sentence was to type?

Then again, "DNP: Injury, torn anus" is a pretty amazing thing to see in a match summary. Here's what Argentina's Javier Mascherano told Tancredi Palmeri of beIN Sport, via Twitter:

We'll let Deadspin take it from here:

In Google Translate, the ESPN Brazil headline reads, "'I tore the anus that move. So the pain ', says Mascherano after avoiding Dutch goal." So the pain, indeed.

The Argentine didn't want to be rude when going into detail, but he told reporters there that he had damaged his anus. He did prevent Robben from scoring, so maybe it was worth it. It remains to be seen if his anus will be healed in time for Sunday's final against Germany.

Here's hoping that Mascherano can, um, get his shit fixed before the World Cup Final this weekend.