Days Off, Ranked From Worst to Best

Today is Labor Day, so you have the day off. Days off are wonderful: more sleep, more TV, more boozing, less working, more jerking. But some days off are better than others, so we've ranked them, from worst to best. The big three (Christmas, New Year's, Thanksgiving) are unfuckwittable, so they're safe from our Sauron Eye of Truth Bombs, but below is how the nine other big days off fared.

9. Columbus Day

A bogus holiday for a bogus hero. It's the worst day off because everything is normal except for government offices, so you're dealing with a half-functioning world even though you're expected to be fully functioning. Fuck Columbus.

8. President's Day

Oh wow, thanks America for giving me this Monday off so I can enjoy the bleak frozen hellscape that is February, because what everyone wants is to really let a February day sink in so the wackest month feels even longer.

7. Veterans Day

Nobody gets this day off, but everyone gets to partake in a dick-measuring contest about how much they support the troops while putzing around at work conflating ISIS and Isis.

6. Independence Day

Great in theory but it rarely actually leads to a three-day weekend, so you're often stuck celebrating the Fourth of July and cranking cheap American piss water beer knowing full well you have to be at the office in 10 hours. If July 4th were always on a Monday, it'd have the top spot real quick.

5. MLK Day

It's great because it's an actual worthy holiday (ahem, Columbus Day), but nobody really "celebrates" it. Thus, it is the most low key and relaxing of the days off, and because it's in mid-January, you still have some residual holiday spirit in your system.

3 (tie). Rosh Hashanah

The greatest thing about the liberalization of the workplace is all the religious holidays we're all set to gain.

3 (tie). Good Friday

So wait, some imaginary superhero was murdered a couple thousand years ago so we get a rare Friday-first three-day weekend? TALK ABOUT GOOD.

2. Labor Day

Summer has cooled off so it's prime weather to hang outside to eat charred meats. You know after this it's a frigid wasteland with no respite until Thanksgiving, so that desperation leads to intense partying.

1. Memorial Day

The official start to summer and cookouts and romper season and everything wonderful.