Facebook, I love it. In fact, I’m a sucker for any and all social media tools. Tumblr. Twitter. Myspace. I even have an active Friendster account. Now granted, I only have five friends and my default pic is from 2004, but the password still works. Hell, I was even a huge fan of the film The Social Network. I am, dare I say it, the modern man. And as the modern man, I’d like to declare myself the leading authority on social-networking do’s and don’ts, mainly the don’ts. As I said, I love Facebook. But there are a few things that you people do on my beloved Facebook that drive me absolutely insane. So without further ado, here are a few things you’re going to want to avoid if you strive to be the perfect Facebook friend.


I hate LOL with every fiber of my being. And I don’t say that as some wordsmith who’s on a personal quest to protect the integrity of the English language. I use the word fuck more often than most porn stars. No, my hatred is due to the fact that LOL is almost never used in an instance when someone has typed something that would evoke any actual laughter. “Spilled coffee again? LOL!” “Waldbaum’s never stocks enough Nilla Wafers. LOL!” You did not laugh out loud after writing that! And another gripe I have with LOL is the latter part of the abbreviation, the OL. Laugh out loud. What, as opposed to all those good, hearty internal laughs? And don’t even get me started on LOLZ or ROTFL. Not one person in the entire universe, save for the occasional dude with a seizure, has ever rolled on the floor laughing after typing ROTFL. If I catch you using LOLZ or ROTFL, I will delete you from my Facebook and cellphone.


I’d venture to guess that 75% of all status updates suck. For instance, “It’s so cold!” is just a shitty, shitty status update. No one, and I truly mean no one, cares if you’re cold. Another shining example of this is people who at the start of each work week, feel compelled to write “I hate Mondays!” or some derivative thereof. You may as well write “Wow, water is wet” or “Hitler was kind of a dick, huh?”


Poking is creepy. It’s like the Facebook equivalent of calling someone and breathing really heavy into the receiver. Now I’ve reconciled to the fact that poking is probably used primarily as a tool for high school kids to flirt with one another. Far be it from me to stand in the way of a 10th grader trying to facilitate getting a hand job. Rock 'n' roll.


I hate when people list their relationship status as “in a relationship but it’s complicated.” If my relationship were in the shitter, I wouldn’t want the world to know. That is unless I was in a relationship that I wanted to end. Personally, I think “in a relationship but it’s complicated” is Facebook for “unless something changes, I can probably bone you sometime in the near future. Message me.”


You all know what I’m talking about here. This is when someone, in most instances a girl, specifically takes her default pic at an elevated 45-degree angle. It’s that devious yet flattering angle that hides your entire body while simultaneously making your face look as thin as humanly possible. You’re telling the world that you look like Eva Mendez when in all actuality you look more like Luis Guzmán. Nobody’s buying it, sista.


“The Yankees won! We did it!” Did you do it? Did you really? As far as I knew, you were watching the game on your couch while shoveling Funyuns into your face. Little did I know you were kicking ass at Yankee Stadium. Yes, apparently completely unbeknownst to me, the vast majority of my Facebook friends actually play sports professionally. Seriously, folks, you work a 9-to-5; you don’t play defensive tackle for the St. Louis Rams.


In this day and age, there’s just no excuse for a misspelled status update. And I’m not talking about lack of proper punctuation. According to Facebook, most people seem to think a comma is a prolonged state of unconsciousness. No, I’m talking about people who just carelessly spell words wrong. You can’t spell? Fine. Some people are just kind of, well, dumb. I get it. I saw two, yes two, adults in the mall last week wearing Crocs. These people are the reason why every Facebook-capable device comes with spell-check. There’s no G in party and weekend doesn't have a four in it.


Sending someone a Farmville request is widely considered the ultimate Facebook faux pas. For me personally, it’s the coup de grâce of any potential Facebook friendship. If you send me a request to water your plants, I’ll be sure to promptly do so, but not virtually. No, I will track down your address and come urinate on your front lawn. That’s how much I utterly despise Farmville. If you truly have nothing better to do than to tend to a fictional tomato harvest, methinks you have a problem on your hands, a problem far bigger than your burgeoning cyber-irrigation issues. —Peter Hoare

(This article originally appeared in the Spring 2011 issue of ANTENNA.)

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