Best/Worst Behavior: This Week’s Music Superlatives
While you're sitting around rocking bucket hats and scrolling through Nicki Minaj's wack-ass promotional Instagram posts for a shot of her ass, and loading up "cover" stories that are no different than any other interview except they make your computer feel like they're missing that N64 expansion pack, we're over here farming out #relevant #motherfucking #content. We're pouring one out for rap's forgotten sidekicks, MCs doomed to a life of struggle rap as their one-time mentors thrive, so that we can make room for rap's next big names. Rising stars like Chicago driller SD and cult rap leader Deniro Farrar — and it just so happens we got both those dudes to engage in some real talk, which included confessions about their love of shitty pizza and shitty music (Maroon 5 and Coldplay, respectively).
We're out here speaking the truth about chillwave because bitch you won't kill our vibe. We're out here telling you that if rock is dad, than dad must be The Jesus Lizard. We're out here telling you to stop smoking, sure because of the health risks but mainly because you'll never look as cool as Lana Del Rey when she does it so don't even try because there's no Insta-filter when people are watching you suck on that loosie in real life, unless they're looking through Google Glass in which case you automatically look cooler than them to the degree of 1.5 Lana Del Reys.
And that was all just this week, dog. If you don't know what the fuck we're talking about, get on the wave. Act like you know.
Here's the best and worst of music news this week.
Best Song of the Week: Rustie ft. Danny Brown, "Attak"
Ya know that thing when you're in the middle of a threesome with two women, and it's too much of a good thing and in the back of your mind you're stressed because you don't know if you should be paying more attention to orifice one or orifice three or the awesome thing that's happening on this part of your body or the awesome thing that you're watching happen to that part of her body? Well, we don't know what that's like, but we're pretty sure this is the aural equivalent.
Worst Song of the Week: Weezer, "Back to the Shack"
We don't write about shitty music here unless we're pointing out how shitty it is. And so, Weezer's latest bit of winking post-Pinkerton fart-rock. Only way we're fucking with this is if Rivers Cuomo is talking about Shake Shack.
Most Likely to Steal Your Girl: The Weeknd
We already knew that was the case, but with "King of the Fall," Abel Tesfaye explicity (oh yeah, explicitly) details his step-by-step plan to conquer your towns and plant his flag in all your women.
Best Boiling Hot Take on the State of The Little Mermaid's Genitals: Deniro Farrar
"Mermaid was pretty classy, I don’t think many niggas slid up in that pussy." And you know it's always wet, bruh.
Most Likely About the Red Room of Pain: M.I.A., "Gold"
Sorry Bey, you may have soundtracked the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer with your "Crazy in Love" remake, but M.I.A. chants, "Show me your gold, do what you’re told / No time for games, put on your blindfold," and that's some S&M then lock 'em in the Shame Cube-type shit.
Damn, we're just now realizing there was a whole lot of sex in music this week. Might as well keep it going.
Most Likely to Repel You From Sex for a Few Days: Coolio
Don't get it twisted, Coolio may be recording a promotional song for Pornhub, but he doesn't use porn. Before you're all "hey wait a minute that's like a priest claiming to have authority on marital issues," well, hang on. Coolio doesn't watch porn because Coolio is porn (his words). "If I want to see porn, I’ll fuckin’ put a mirror next to my bed," he told Rolling Stone. "There’s seven billion people on the planet, right? If that’s so, then I’m one of the world's one million greatest lovers." Math and shit.
Most Likely to Piss Off the Neighbors: Girl Band
Day 1: "Oh honey, did you hear about the new neighbors, they're in a girl band. How neat!"
Day 2: "Hm, that's nice, they must've invited their boyfriends over to practice."
Day 10: "Yeah, there are definitely no girls in that band."
Day 13: Wakes up to see blood coming out of her lover's ear and onto pillow, shrieks.
Day 14: Googles "girl band," to no avail.
Day 16: Gets a lawman involved, which only makes things worse.
And, scene. Moral of the story: Band names are crazy right?!?