2014 MTV VMA Performances, Ranked From Worst to Beyonce

The 2014 MTV Video Music Awards have passed. We made it. The vast majority of the show comprised yowling hags, flat jokes from Jay Pharaoh, and limp-dicked rock, all serving as one unworthy opening set for Beyoncé. Bey must've been backstage the whole time seeing this march of the basics before her Beyoncé medley and laughing like Team Iceland when the Mighty Ducks first bumbled onto the ice in D2.

It was a true nightmare, and below, we've ranked all eight performances, from Worst to Beyoncé.

8. Ariana Grande, Jessie J, and Nicki Minaj — Some yowling medley with "Anaconda" thrown in.

The Jessie J corollary: Anything involving Jessie J is officially the worst thing. Not even Nicki can help it.

7. 5 Seconds of Summer — Some Grey's Anatomy bullshit.

One of the presenters at the VMAs said that 2014 has been "an amazing year for rock," and this exists as a "rock" song in 2014 so SOMEBODY is lying about SOMETHING.

6. Maroon 5 — Some 5 Seconds of Summer in 20 years bullshit.

There are people among us who scream their faces off at a Maroon 5 song. Let that sink in.

5. Taylor Swift — "Shake it Off"

Taylor Swift's cringe-inducing salvo aimed at all of the imaginary haters who think she "stays out too late" was introduced by Lorde. Lorde was much cooler back when she was dissing Taylor.

4. Iggy Azalea ft. Rita Ora — "Black Widow"

Serious question: WHO IS RITA ORA? Nobody in the world should be subjected to watching Iggy Azalea rap live, especially not on a "Dark Horse" ripoff. That's some Clockwork Orange-level sensory torture.

3. Usher ft. Nicki Minaj — "She Came to Give it to You"

Nicki gave a yeoman's effort tonight, but man, she was paired with some real clunkers. This song was so boring Usher decided to start playing the bass in the middle of it.

2. Official Kim Kardashian Friend Sam Smith — "Stay With Me"

Not his best showing, but one of like three performers tonight who can actually sing without a backing track.

1. Beyoncé — Medley

Beyoncé's impressive 15-minute medley performance for her Video Vanguard Award would've seemed a lot better if that Super Bowl Halftime Show had never happened. But seeing her cry on stage with Jay and a clapping Blue Ivy was the moment to remember from this year's VMAs, even though there was no twerking involved.