Darnell Dockett’s Terrifying Obsession With Alligators

Cardinals defensive lineman Darnell Dockett is one of the most outspoken, entertaining players in the NFL. And he likes to keep zoo animals as pets.

Last year, he told the media he had a pet tiger (which he tried to bring to Arizona's training camp) and at one point, he wanted to drop $30,000 on a pet monkey. Dockett is an animal lover—or at least, he wants to live out the movie Zookeeper in real life.

So when VICE Sports dropped this video on Monday, following Dockett during what seems to be a routine alligator shopping trip—normal phrase—in Orlando, we were intrigued. The short video is equal parts hilarious, genuinely interesting, and fucking terrifying.

We need to talk about this video. Watch it below:

Okay right off the bat, intro scene.

"When I was younger, I grew up, we had dogs, a lot of animals, fish...as I got older, I wanted to step out in the world and get exotic animals..."

Okay, that sounds cool.

"...and things that was really dangerous, borderline that could kill you."

WHAT THE FUCK? WHY?

"I'm just a guy that's trying to get an alligator."

This is not a thing that you can say after "I'm just a guy." You say "I'm just a guy that's trying to get a good cheeseburger" or "I'm just a guy that's trying to get a decent price on an apartment." You don't say "I'm just a guy that's trying to get an alligator." Just, no.

"Why he don't fuck that little bird up right there?"

Any time you can give possibly-unnecessary subtitles to an old white dude from the South, you do it.

"I wish I could have like six of those in my backyard."

That is, of course, in reference to this cute little piece of B-roll:

Let's also pause for a moment to consider Dockett's shirt for this trip. He's about to purchase some kind of violent reptilian animal. And he's wearing this shirt:

Bro, cute duck. Cute duck that your new gators are going to rip to shreds. This is like walking into Taco Bell wearing a shirt depicting a Quesarito wearing glasses.

"The trick is, they don't know where the food stops and the hand begins."

*Cardinals executive calls 911*

"This is entirely too big for me to own... But I mean I would love to just bring him in the backyard of my house for a weekend or something."

Again, this is some shit you say about a German Shepherd. Not a GATOR.

"That's one of my best friends. I look up to him."

Dockett is talking about Chester. This 13.5-foot, thousand-pound alligator. Is his best friend. Who he looks up to. Dwerdtgjyrwaethjy.

Dockett then moves away from the gators (thank god) and gets friendly with some bearded dragon lizards. This should go well.

"That feels like a lady that didn't shave."

Don't you dare show up at Darnell Dockett's house not having shaved your legs, women of Arizona!

"First lesson: Teach 'em how to hold a credit card. Baby we ballin'."

With that, and a final proclamation that he and his new pet—"90"—are headed to the strip club, this 4-minute trip is over. I need a beer.